Humor Quotes - Page 94

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

You cannot just quote from history and above all you cannot take it out of context, in however humorous a fashion . On the contrary history has a natural continuity which must be respected

Catholic schools carry out a great mission, to serve God by building knowledge and character... By teaching the word of God, you prepare your students to follow a path of virtue.

They want the federal government controlling the Social Security, like it's some kind of federal program.

There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it fosters humor.

Nothing is more curious than the almost savage hostility that Humour excites in those who lack it.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

In Moscow they do not pay much attention to the living but keep their cemeteries in a splendid state.

The poor Americans are so busy defending the rights of Hindus in Pakistan, Moslems in India, Jews in Palestine, Koreans in Japan, Italians in Yugoslavia and Hungarians in Czechoslovakia that they simply cannot give a thought to Negroes in the United States.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

I can never do nothing in this house!

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

It's just as unpleasant to get more than you bargain for as to get less.

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."