Humor Quotes - Page 95

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.

Delicate humor is the crowning virtue of the saints.

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Thank God you've got a sense of humor, or you'd be in trouble.

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.

For lack of a better term, they've labeled me a sex symbol. It's flattering and it should happen to every bald, overweight guy.

I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

If it doesn't sell, it isn't creative.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance and euphemism, often leaving important things unsaid; whereas Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from grabbing the listener by the shirt.

You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.