Humor Quotes - Page 96

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

A sense of humor is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. "Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you."

The United States is the greatest law factory the world has ever known.

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

Hearing Mass is the ceremony I most favor during my travels. Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back.

Expect not praise without envy until you are dead.

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

In my dealings with the press, I was like the guy who goes into the cathouse and the madam gets him prepared and looks at him and says, "Who are you going to satisfy with that?" And he looks back at her and says, "Me." That's kind of my sense of humor at times.

I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable.

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

I can't watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.

Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.