Humorous Quotes - Page 2

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

I'm strong, I'm tough, I still wear my eyeliner.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his plan, And even children lisp the Rights of Man; Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, The Rights of Woman merit some attention.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

When my cats aren't happy, I'm not happy. Not because I care about their mood but because I know they're just sitting there thinking up ways to get even.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

I think; therefore I am.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.

The whole imposing edifice of modern medicine is like the celebrated tower of Pisa - slightly off balance.

A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?

Don't play the saxophone. Let it play you.

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.