Humorous Quotes - Page 4

Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.

A man told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'.

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Wit is educated insolence.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

Good authors, too, who once knew better words now only use four-letter words writing prose... anything goes.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.

But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in the most humorous sadness.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.