Humorous Quotes - Page 5

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Vote early and vote often.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves and the teacher says: Imagine what it does to your TEETH! So Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to improve.

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away.

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

I never tell one client that I cannot attend his sales convention because I have a previous engagement with another client; successful polygamy depends upon pretending to each spouse that she is the only pebble on your beach.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?