Humorous Quotes - Page 7

Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

The world is literally about to blow up.

Modern medicine is a negation of health. It isn't organised to serve human health, but only itself, as an institution. It makes more people sick than it heals.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

I always advise people never to give advice.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.

You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.

Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk up and down Collins Avenue in Florida in pedalpushers and mink stoles - and with opinions on every subject under the sun. It isn't their fault they were given a gift like speech - look, if cows could talk, they would say things just as idiotic.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?