Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 4

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.

I'm not that shallow, asshole. I don't need money. It's way more important for them to be good-looking.

First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.

Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes.

If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded.

You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear.

George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas?

I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem.

I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' . . . You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.'

Our relationship finally ended when he took to waking me up in the wee hours o the morning when he would go surfing. He thought it might be fun to have me come watch. "Fun for who?" I wanted to ask. i had never asked him to come to Happy Hour and watch me drink.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Women don't have to be jealous of other women.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out!

To always trust my instincts, to always believe I have something to offer — no matter how meaningless or stupid it may be — and to never listen to anyone who tells you ‘no.’

I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.

I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that's what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn't be dishonest about it.