Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 5

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It’s really sad, because that’s what my show is all about — what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

It's good that people don't like you. That's good. It means that you are doing something interesting.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

Jessica Simpson attended boyfriend Tony Romo's football game. The Cowboys quarterback had the worst game of his career. It's a bad year for the name Simpson. Even O. J. is pissed - he feels like they're making his name look bad.

Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.

My life and my legs have been an open book.

Adults end up shading things and shading the truth, and you end up lying and telling people what they want to hear.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it.

We're doing a bunch of shoots with kids about the election, about politics, about racism. I like to talk about heavy topics with kids because you find out what their parents are feeding them at home, and then you find out their quick reactions to things. It's so refreshing when kids are so honest.

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

People who have experience and credentials, they should be talking about that [Donald Trump presenting on TV]. I know everybody cares about ratings, but come on. The whole world is watching.