Chelsea Handler Quotes - Page 6

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all.

There's a McDonalds in Hong Kong & they're offering couples the opportunity to get married. You can have a McWedding.

Every time John Travolta assaults a masseur, a scientologist gets their wings.

No one tells me what to do -- in any capacity.

... some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a radio opportunity.

I was a fitness fiasco - until I found Pilates . . . It's been the most gentle on my body I'm longer and leaner and much more graceful. I can honestly say it's changed my body - and my life.

The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

I have a question. Do you guys think it's OK to drink while you're pregnant if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.

I’ll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.

Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.

That just sends the wrong message to everybody. [Donald Trump] should have the least amount of air time.

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.