Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11.
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.
Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help. I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is if I seek professional help.
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have 20/20 vision, so I couldn't be a referee.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.
Britney Spears told an interviewer if she weren't famous, she would be a teacher. So thank God she's famous.
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.
I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.
We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we'll never get there.
They say hot dogs can kill you. How do you know it's not the bun?
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong.
At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?
And some sad news... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
It seems that researchers at Colorado University say wine may help people lose weight. It's not the wine directly that causes the weight loss, it's all the walking around you do trying to find your car.
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.
According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of the men said they would never want to get into an argument with those men.
President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.
How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
