Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'
If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
The best revenge is living well.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."
I love advertising because I love lying.
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings
You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.
I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
