Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 2

I think it's great some hotels provide stationery. Because the first thing I like to do when I get to a hotel room is write a letter. "My dearest Gwendolyn, I arrived by nightfall at the Embassy Suites. It will be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive. Allow me to explain the curious charge at the ledger. It is because I miss thee so much, darling, I accidentally ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they've learned during the rest of the year. They don't go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.

It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.