I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'
I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
