Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 8

I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."