Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 5

There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake.

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when you're away from them, who needs it?.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you'll ever have!

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.

All mothers are working mothers.

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.

Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.