They always say to Californians that we don't have seasons. Of course, that is not true. We have fire, flood, mud and drought.
Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.
I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it.
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one.
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
You want to look younger... rent smaller children.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.
Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.
A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit!
Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.
On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.
