Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 6

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.

My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.

When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money.

Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn't keep him awake - even when it's hot and being spilled on him.

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.