Fun Quotes - Page 14

Mind is never a problem. Mindset is

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.

It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?

Think of all the girls who could become top athletes but quit sports because they're afraid of having too many defined muscles and being made fun of or called unattractive.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.

A girl should have two things: a smile, and a guy who inspires it.

The self... is not an organic thing that has a specific location, whose fundamental fate is to be born, to mature, to die; it is a dramatic effect arising diffusely from a scene that is presented.

Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

Sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind but falling in love and not getting arrested.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.