Humor Quotes - Page 77

The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

A laugh is a surprise. And all humor is physical. I was always athletic, so that came naturally to me.

I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Some people put us down. But I still haven't heard of any Americans trying to swim across the border into Mexico!

When life gets you down, make a comforter!

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Old is always fifteen years from now.

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.

Confound these ancestors... They've stolen our best ideas!

The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.

Living, as I do, in an educated and scientific atmosphere, I could not have conceived that the first principles of zoology were so little known. Is it possible that you do not know the elementary fact in comparative anatomy, that the wing of a bird is really the forearm, while the wing of a bat consists of three elongated fingers with membranes between?

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I try to offset any tendency towards the macabre with humour. As I see it, this is a typically English form of humour. It's a piece with such jokes as the one about the man who was being led to the gallows to be hanged. He looked at the trap door in the gallows, which was flimsily constructed, and he asked in some alarm, 'I say, is that thing safe?

Women who miscalculate are called mothers.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.