Humorous Quotes - Page 30

The nephew revenges himself for this, by holding his breath and terrifying his kinswoman with the dread belief that he has made up his mind to burst. Regardless of whispers and shakes, he swells and becomes discoloured, and yet again swells and becomes discoloured, until the aunt can bear it no longer, but leads him out, with no visible neck, and with his eyes going before him like a prawn's.

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

Many complain of their memory, few of their judgment.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur."

The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.

I wonder whether if I had an education I should have been more or less a fool that I am.

It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Talkers are no good doers.

It might suprise you to know I think I raised them too much, too

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong.

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.

Anything too stupid to be said is sung.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.

Good Americans, when they die, go to Paris.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year.

But when I don't smoke I scarcely feel as if I'm living. I don't feel as if I'm living unless I'm killing myself.