Sarcastic Quotes - Page 2

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.

The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

We're weird guys. I don't know if a lot of people get our humor. A lot of people probably think we're jerks. We're real sarcastic. Really ironic and stuff. We mean well, but we joke around probably a lot more than we should.

In the United States today, we have more than our share of the nattering nabobs of negativism. They have formed their own 4-H Club - the 'hopeless, hysterical hypochondriacs of history.'

History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Don't be humble... you're not that great.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.