Sarcastic Quotes - Page 5

Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

There are no nudists in cold areas.

The best things in life are free - and $19.95.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

You're a parasite for sore eyes.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

If you think research is expensive, try disease!

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry.

The freedom of any society varies proportionately with the volume of its laughter.

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.