Wit Quotes - Page 2

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.

There is no love without hope, no hope without love, and neither hope nor love without faith.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.'

You can't have relationships with other people until you give birth to yourself.

The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie.

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Live with purpose. Don't let people or things around you get you down.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

Life without God is like an unsharpened pencil - it has no point.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Common sense is not so common.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.