Billy Connolly Quotes - Page 3

Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

A fart is just your arse applauding.

Wisdom isn't an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn't an answer. It's a question.

Don't die until you're dead.

My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.

I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can't fly

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

I was brought up as a Catholic. I've got A-level guilt.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.

Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

Never trust people who've only got one book.

I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.

The more you know the less the better.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.