Billy Connolly Quotes - Page 2

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.

Never trust anybody with only one book.

Politically correct is the language of cowardice.

I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

If you give people a chance, they shine.

If I had a hammer, there'd be no more folksingers.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over!

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.