Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
A fart is just your arse applauding.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.
