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David Letterman Quotes - Page 23

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Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet.

David Letterman
Plot, Planets, Democrat

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.

David Letterman
Black, Juggernaut, Election

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

David Letterman
Laughter, Eight, Numbers

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

David Letterman
Kids, President, Today

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'

David Letterman
Looks, Tonight, Honest
"Letterman Signs Off, With A Heartfelt Guest-Filled Finale". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. May 21, 2015.

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

David Letterman
New York, Night, Light

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

David Letterman
Long, Pages, Torture

Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

David Letterman
Running, Brother, Florida

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

David Letterman
Naughty, Santa, Today

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

David Letterman
Sound, Kim, Married

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

David Letterman
Reading, Email, Vow

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

David Letterman
Funeral, Confusing, Alive

Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Moving
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'

David Letterman
Stars, Years, President

I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on.

David Letterman
Thinking, Numbers, Evil

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

David Letterman
Thinking, Borders, Pakistan

We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves.

David Letterman
Daughter, Thinking, Years

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

David Letterman
Father, Night, Thinking

They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin.

David Letterman
Add, Caves, Boxers

Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards.

David Letterman
Suicide, Awards, Television

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

David Letterman
Tourists, Borders, Looks

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

David Letterman
Strong, Hate, Independent

Did you hear about this genius that got on a plane and set fire to his feet? Turns out he had bombs in his shoes and the problem all started when the flight attendants asked him nicely to extinguish his feet. He was wearing exploding sneakers. The new Nike Air-Jihads!

David Letterman
Nike, Air, Sneakers

When Martha gets out she'll be under house arrest in her big $40 million mansion in Bedford. Boy, that'll teach her. She's only allowed out of the house for doctors visits, grocery shopping, or to dump more stock.

David Letterman
Boys, Doctors, Shopping
"Jailhouse Epiphanies - March 6, 2005". abcnews.go.com.

CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.

David Letterman
Mistake, Leaving, Dumb

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