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David Letterman Quotes - Page 3

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Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'

David Letterman
Rip, President, Republican

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

David Letterman
Dog, Toilets, Winner

It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.

David Letterman
New York, Cities, Liberty

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I've been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

David Letterman
Health, Clothes, Gentleman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Letterman
Change, Collective Unconscious, Justice

I haven't reached nirvana yet, but I've been to Detroit.

David Letterman
Detroit, Havens

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

David Letterman
Sleep, Thinking, Nsa

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

David Letterman
Eye, Study, Osama Bin Laden

Them bats is smart. They use radar!

David Letterman
Smart, Bats, Use

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They've created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

David Letterman
Navy, Problem, Obesity

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

David Letterman
Valentines Day, Together, Beets

Do good things for other people.

David Letterman
People, Good Things

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

David Letterman
Business, Office Work, Shows

My political position is that I'm happy to be alive and in North America.

David Letterman
America, Political, Alive
"New Again: David Letterman". Interview with Pat Hackett and Kenzi Abou-Sabe, www.interviewmagazine.com. April 9, 2014.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

David Letterman
Memories, Heart, Loss

Have you been following the big oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? Or as we call it now, the Dead Sea.

David Letterman
Sea, Oil, Mexico

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

David Letterman
Team, People, Email
"David Letterman's political guests: The jokes were on them" by Diana D'Abruzzo, Slide 14, www.politico.com. May 20, 2015.

Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.

David Letterman
Running, President, Trump

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

David Letterman
Spring, Fall, Bed

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. ... Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

David Letterman
Suicide, Mean, Blow

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

David Letterman
Gun, Eight, Guy

Life experience is the best teacher.

David Letterman
Teacher, Best Teacher, Life Experience

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

David Letterman
Motivational, Reality, Focus

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can't even get the intern to make me coffee!

David Letterman
Coffee, Loser, Clinton

I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.

David Letterman
Central Park, Robins, Sparrows

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