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David Letterman Quotes - Page 5

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You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

David Letterman
Evil, Promise, Use

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

David Letterman
Wife, President, Kenya

In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

David Letterman
White, Meat, Culture

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony -- it's not covered by Obamacare.

David Letterman
Obamacare, President, Acid

Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected by not running. And I thought, well, that's true, because in 2008 she got Obama elected.

David Letterman
Running, President, Palin

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

David Letterman
Funny, War, Humorous
"Only Joking: What's So Funny about Making People Laugh?". Book by Jimmy Carr and Lucy Greeves, 2006.

In a recent interview, Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot. So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal.

David Letterman
Sex, Needs, Scandal

Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.

David Letterman
Running, Dream, New York

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

David Letterman
Kids, Thinking, People
"David Letterman's 1984 Playboy Interview. A Candid Conversation with the Comedy Genius In His Youth". Playboy Interview, playboysfw.kinja.com. 1984.

The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget responsibly. The website is called ' Irony.gov. '

David Letterman
Kids, White, House

You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.

David Letterman
Differences, Guy, World

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.

David Letterman
Circles, Korea, Evil

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins.

David Letterman
Couple, Fun, Party

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Letterman
Thinking, Iraq, Paris

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

David Letterman
Yesterday, Issues, Giving

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

David Letterman
Party, Guy, Steps

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Letterman
Funny, Sarcastic, New York
"Late Show with David Letterman",

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

David Letterman
Sarcastic, Intelligence, Mind

I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

David Letterman
Jobs, Believe, Government

Father's Day: When you get that lethal combination of alcohol and new power tools.

David Letterman
Father, Alcohol, Tools

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.

David Letterman
Guy, President, Als

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

David Letterman
Son, Firsts, Sun
"Late Show with David Letterman". TV Series, m.imdb.com. 1993-2015.

I'd do a podcast about guys wearing shorts when it's too cold.

David Letterman
Guy, Cold, Shorts
"What Should David Letterman Do Next?" by John Hendrickson, www.esquire.com. April 2, 2015.

Dingoes, jackals, skunks, vipers and weasel are now illegal in New York City. Well great, who's going to run CBS?

David Letterman
Running, New York, Cities

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

David Letterman
Running, Body, Littles

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