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David Letterman Quotes - Page 2

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Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

David Letterman
Book, Trying, President

Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half jack and half ass.'

David Letterman
Waiting, President, Half

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

David Letterman
Action, Sometimes, Overdoing It

Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

David Letterman
New York, Sorry, Cities

Everyday is a compromise.

David Letterman
Everyday, Compromise

I think I might have a bad psychic advisor. When I asked her to contact the dead, she gave me Keith Richards' phone number.

David Letterman
Thinking, Phones, Psychics

I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.

David Letterman
Sex, Involved

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

David Letterman
Believe, Ideas, Great Idea
"Late Night with David Letterman", March 5, 1993.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high?

David Letterman
Zero, White, House

I hate decaffeinated coffee. It's useless brown water.

David Letterman
Hate, Coffee, Water

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

David Letterman
Fighting, Guy, Black
"David Letterman's political guests: The jokes were on them" by Diana D'Abruzzo, Slide 5, www.politico.com. May 20, 2015.

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

David Letterman
Funny, Sex, Animal

There just isn't enough televised Chess

David Letterman
Chess, Enough, Humour

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking."

David Letterman
Funny, New York, Humor
David Letterman, Andy Breckman (1985). “Late night with David Letterman: the book”, Random House Inc

Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'

David Letterman
Thanksgiving, Mom, Drinking

Why we are here: To tremble at the terrible beauty of the stars, to shed a tear at the perfection of Beethoven's symphonies, and to crack a cold one now and then.

David Letterman
Stars, Beer, Symphony

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.

David Letterman
New Year, Writing, Years

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

David Letterman
Type 2 Diabetes, Mountain, Dew

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne.

David Letterman
Men, Thinking, Tonight

Pamela Anderson is a great dancer considering she can't see her feet.

David Letterman
Feet, Dancing, Dancer

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before.

David Letterman
Paris, Next, Wonder

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense.

David Letterman
Drinking, Thinking, Nuts

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman
Funny, Math, Science

If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all.

David Letterman
Coffee, Personality, Ifs

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas.

David Letterman
Funny, Son, Night

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