John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely.
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."
First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring... soon after... comes Suffer...ring!
We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that has lower numbers than he does.
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened.
Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'
Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.
Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment.
The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. ... The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got interested in temperature change. It started back when he was vice president. He noticed how the temperature would change, like whenever Bill would walk into the room, it would get warm and whenever Hillary walked into the room, it got cold.
The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'
Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.
Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.
As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it - it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore.
As we watched Judge Clarence Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation hearings, all of the commentators said the same thing: 'One of these people in the room is lying.' Do you believe that? You've got two lawyers and 14 senators in the room, and only one of them is lying?
Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating.
Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.
A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now.
A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.
John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, he's ahead in the polls. How's that make him feel? Disappears for a week and he's up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding.
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?
