Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 2

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.

I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.