Phyllis Diller Quotes - Page 3

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.