You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!
My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.
It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
self-pity is better than none.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.
