Comedian Quotes - Page 2

Being a teenager and figuring out who you are is hard enough without someone attacking you.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

It's a great time to be a comedian because you've got so much more control. You can say what you want to. I think in the old days with the studio system the performer was a bit of an afterthought. You can be a wildcard on the internet. But if you put something on the internet once it's out there it's out there for life.

Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.

All comedians are people who really deeply consider the human experience not only a dirty trick perpetrated by a totally meaningless procedure of accidents, but an unbearable ordeal every day, which can be made tolerable only by mockery in one form or another.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

If there's anything I like better than honey and ketchup, it's baloney and whipped cream --- and we haven't got any!

The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

I wanted to do - there was this film called 'Magic' that Anthony Hopkins did. And the director wanted me. The writer wanted me. Joe Levine said no, I don't want any comedians in this.

Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes.

When they put me in jail, that's when they turned me into an activist. Up until the time I went to jail, I was just a comedian.

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her.

I'm a very straightforward person. But that's fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you're talking about everyone else.

Nerd. One whose unbridled passion for something defines who they are as a person, without fear of other people's judgment.

To have a reputation for being noble, she thought, is more confining than to be known as a wit. On the rare days when a comedian has no jokes, people pardon the lapse. There is no forgiving a saint's occasional day of sin.

I find comedians to be the biggest cocksuckers, because they don't want people to know how easy it is.

It is better to look good than to feel good.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.

To me, seeing a really great comedian is a bit like watching a musician or a poet.

Once or twice I`ve been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I`ve ever seen.