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Woody Allen Quotes

All Quotes Age Anxiety Art Atheism Atheist Baseball Basketball Beer Boredom Character Childhood Children Choices College Comedy Concentration Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Desire Divorce Drama Driving Dying Education Enthusiasm Failing Falling In Love Feelings Fighting Film Food Fun Funny Genius Getting Older Giving God Hate Heart Heaven Hell Hilarious Home House Human Nature Humanity Hurt Imagination Immortality Inspiration Inspirational Inspiring Kissing Laughter Liberty Life Logic Love Love And Death Love Life Luck Lying Mankind Marriage Maturity Meaning Of Life Money Morning Pain Past Philosophy Politics Quality Reading Reality Regret Reincarnation Religion Running Sarcasm School Science Sleep Smoking Stupidity Style Success Suffering Sunday Talent Time Today Tragedy Universe Waiting Wall War Water Wife Winning Writing

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.

Choices, Despair, Path

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Funny, Confidence, Witty

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Knowledge, Rivers, Stupidity

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Inspirational, Positive, Inspiring

Quoted in Thomas J Peters and Robert H Waterman Among Friends (1982).

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Philosophy, Philosophical, Nyu

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

Funny, Marriage, Lying

Without Feathers "The Scrolls" (1975) See Bible 167

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

Mean, Paranoid

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

Suffering, Three, Engagement

I see the glass half full...but of poison.

Glasses, Poison, Half

"Scoop". www.imdb.com. 2006.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

Want, Next, Backwards

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't.

Funny Life, Believe, Past

He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.

Children, Political, Politics

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Happiness, Happy, Appreciate

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Love, Funny, Life

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Inspirational, Inspiring, Hope

Side Effects "My Speech to the Graduates" (1980)

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

"Standup Comic". A CD compilation of Allen comedy routines from 1964-1968, 1999.

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

Funny, Depression, Witty

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Funny, Life, Witty

Epigraph to Eric Lax Woody Allen and his Comedy (1975)

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Education, Book, Beer

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

Fathers Day, Enthusiasm, Incompetence

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Marriage, Funny Love, Best Love

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

Love, Funny, Beautiful

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Death, Witty, Humorous

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

Men, Feelings, No Respect

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

Paper, Toilets, Problem

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