Humor Quotes - Page 52

Gandhi has sound economic and cultural reasons for encouraging the revival of cottage industries, but he does not counsel a fanatical repudiation of all modern progress. Machinery, trains, automobiles, the telegraph have played important parts in his own colossal life! Fifty years of public service, in prison and out, wrestling daily with practical details and harsh realities in the political world, have only increased his balance, open-mindedness, sanity, and humorous appreciation of the quaint human spectacle.

No man is greater than his respect for sleep.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

There's no sauce in the world like hunger.

Man makes plans . . . and God laughs.

The best way to get rid of the Devil, if you cannot kill it with the words of Holy Scripture, is to rail at and mock him. Music, too, is very good; music is hateful to him, and drives him far away.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

By way of personal instinct, I have an inherent distaste for grandiose rhetorical statements, which don't have any substantive dimension to them

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

It is far better to know our own weaknesses and failures than to point out those of others.

Gossip columnists are diseases, like 'flu. Everyone is subject to them.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.