Humor Quotes - Page 49

A flatterer never seems absurd: The flatter'd always takes his word.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

One of the most feared expressions in modern times is 'The computer is down.'

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not go.

In my opinion MS is a lot better at making money than it is at making good operating systems.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes.

We all operate in two contrasting modes, which might be called open and closed. The open mode is more relaxed, more receptive, more exploratory, more democratic, more playful and more humorous. The closed mode is the tighter, more rigid, more hierarchical, more tunnel-visioned. Most people, unfortunately spend most of their time in the closed mode.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.