Humor Quotes - Page 50

He has such a patronizing tone and manner, and such a sarcastic sense of humor. I found him rather brutal, a kind of elegant brutality which appealed. No, I think he came pretty much off the page.

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

You know that old saying. Once you go dead, no one's better in bed.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.

I like friends as I like music - when I am in the mood.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?

Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.

The covers of this book are too far apart.