Humor Quotes - Page 54

I was a Teletype operator in the army, so that's where I learned to type. One day, I went downstairs to see if I could still type - I hadn't done it for four or five years after the war. So I typed out a page and I showed it to my wife and she said, "Where did you get this?" I said I wrote it. "You wrote this?" It was something very funny. I went and wrote another page, another couple of pages, and by the time I was finished I had 13 little short stories, humorous short stories.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you enter.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.

I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the same time. In my diary I treat all the privations as amusing. I have made up my mind now to lead a different life from other girls and, later on, different from ordinary housewives. My start has been so very full of interest, and that is the sole reason why I have to laugh at the humorous side of the most dangerous moments.

Irony is the gaiety of reflection and the joy of wisdom.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

The tongue is the only instrument that gets sharper with use.

Disclaimer: If anyone disagrees with anything I say, I am quite prepared to not only retract it, but also to deny under oath I ever said it.

In truth, politeness is artificial good humor, it covers the natural want of it, and ends by rendering habitual a substitute nearly equivalent to the real virtue.

Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.

Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying 'End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,' the paint wouldn't even have time to dry.

What a nice night for an evening.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?