Humor Quotes - Page 53

A wholesome sense of humor will be a safety valve that will enable you to apply the lighter touch to heavy problems and to learn some lessons in problem solving that "sweat and tears" often fail to dissolve.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them.

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

I'm for whatever gets you through the night

Another day gone and no jokes.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!

Fate laughs at probabilities.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence.

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

It means 'Shadowhunters: Looking Better in Black Than the Widows of our Enemies Since 1234'.