Humor Quotes - Page 51

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which is ambitious; nor the lawyer's, which is politic; nor the lady's, which is nice; nor the lover's, which is all these: but it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which, by often rumination, wraps me in a most humorous sadness.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I'll have another beer. I'm not driving.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If man had more of a sense of humor, things might have turned out differently.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

I would have made a good pope.

When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?