Humor Quotes - Page 56

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

I like to be as diverse as possible. I think the humorous side and the serious side are both elements of my personality. It's what makes me who I am and if I was to neglect either one of those sides and just focus on one of them, it wouldn't be the full spectrum of my personality.

When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows,' people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, for free.'

If you can understand the humor in the drawing part you'll probably get the humor in the audio part.

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merryman.

Humor is one of the elements of genius--admirable as an adjunct; but as soon as it becomes dominant, only a surrogate for genius.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

When all else fails, look cute.

Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I shall write a book some day about the appropriateness of names. Geoffrey Chaucer has a ribald ring, as is proper and correct, and Alexander Pope was inevitably Alexander Pope. Colley Cibber was a silly little man without much elegance and Shelley was very Percy and very Bysshe.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly, is to fill the world with fools.

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge.

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them...