Humor Quotes - Page 59

When I was 14, I saw someone getting their face and wrists slashed with a knife in a pub in Catford. Nobody lifted a finger. That's when I realised that violence wasn't funny. At all.

Holding back is so close to stealing.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.

What shall we do with...the Jews?...set fire to their synagogues or schools and bury and cover with dirt whatever will not burn, so that no man will ever again see a stone or cinder of them.

Hang onto your sense of humor. I picture my obituary : The sexiest man alive is now dead.

I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?

In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.

Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.

The best work never was and never will be done for money.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Hats off to drug abusers everywhere.

Those amateur umpires are certainly flexing their fangs tonight.

You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

I am no longer a curmudgeon. I am a curmudgeon emeritus.

God is indeed dead. He died of self-horror when He saw the creature He had made in His own image.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...