Humor Quotes - Page 58

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Hell is paved with good samaritans.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

All drugs of any interest to any moderately intelligent person in America are now illegal.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail. I don't know what that means, but it sounds like a dig.

Get your mind unbound and free; and then from the loosest, highest, best place you have, with the fastest and most humorous mind you can get together, you can reach out and make a try at understanding Spirit.

Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide.

No mind is thoroughly well organized that is deficient in a sense of humor.

Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

Man has will, but woman has her way.

If there was sadness in this creative world of mine, it was a pleasant sadness. If there were problems, they were humorous problems.