Humor Quotes - Page 57

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

While it is true that Frank had a great sense of humor, he was also very serious about composing music. In reality there are only a handful of skilled players who can play his most complex pieces. It takes a lot of patience to learn and requires a fantastic memory.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only way we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.

Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.

The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf; the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.

There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

Jesus!" Luke exclaimed. "Actually, it's just me," said Simon. "Although I've been told the resemblance is startling.

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.

When it's three o'clock in New York, it's still 1938 in London.

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

"There are one or two elementary rules to be observed in the way of handling patients," he remarked, seating himself on the table and swinging his legs. "The most obvious is that you must never let them see that you want them. It should be pure condescension on your part seeing them at all; and the more difficulties you throw in the way of it, the more they think of it. Break your patients in early, and keep them well to heel."

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.

Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?