Humor Quotes - Page 76

Don't let your mind stop you from having a good time.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.

Heaven will be inherited by every man who has heaven in his soul.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.

If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking.

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool.

Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.

I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?

At the top of the list of what makes a successful marriage, is a sense of humor.