Humor Quotes - Page 74

Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn't be done.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.

Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Sometimes I make myself laugh, but that's because I appreciate my sense of humor.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.

The really important things are said over cocktails and are never done.

A clever, imaginative, humorous request can open closed doors and closed minds.

Most people aren't appreciated enough, and the bravest things we do in our lives are usually known only to ourselves. No one throws ticker tape on the man who chose to be faithful to his wife, on the lawyer who didn't take the drug money.

English is my second language. Laughter is my first.

Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.

New York is not Mecca. It just smells like it.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.