Humor Quotes - Page 73

I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable.

I smoke to fill the potholes in my soul

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Anyone without a sense of humor is too pretentious to be a good magician.

I find flaws attractive. I find scars attractive.

All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

You can only govern men by serving them. The rule is without exception.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it's humorous, all the attention to it, because it's hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that's happened to me.

A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe.